First I want to share some Scripture verses that have been especially meaningful to me during this time through which we have been going.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him; and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3.5-6
Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
Psalm 46.10
Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4.6-7
When I was in college I was part of a traveling choir. We met weekly for a Bible Study and at one point we were studying the fruits of the Spirit. The Bible Study leader, in her wisdom, asked me to lead the study on "peace". She must have known me pretty well because she probably understood that I needed to be studying that topic more than anyone. I am not a peaceful person. I am prone to worry and anxiety. I have lived most of my life trying to please other people and often trying to please myself. So, needless to say, when I found out my husband had lost his job my immediate thoughts were not ones of tranquility and rest and peace. Well, to be honest, I WAS FREAKING OUT!!!!!. I was scared out of my mind. I really don't know why. God has never failed me before. That is one tough lesson to learn. Especially for someone who has lived her entire life totally focused on herself. I shared in my previous post that my first response (aside from the crying) was to call my friend Melissa. Melissa is a great friend whom I dearly love. BUT, she is not God. It took me a long time to learn that God wanted me to cry out to Him.
Rick received one month's severance and we used that month to send out resumes. That very night he lost his job, I stayed up into the wee hours working on his resume, trying to make it perfect. But, the phone never rang. I could not understand it. Here was a man with tons of experience, a college degree, and one heck of a resume (I'll wait for your applause-what a great wife I am). I spent hour after hour on the computer looking for a job. All the while my husband was right in front of me. Finally, he got a job. He started working there about 6 weeks after he lost his previous job and it was about two months until he got paid. Who knew we could live on what he got paid for two months instead of one? It was pretty much the worst job available for him. He was making less than half what he had made before, he was working long hours again, and answering to a boss who was several years younger than him. Rick had forgotten more about the business than his boss ever knew. It was such a humbling thing. That's how he chose to look at it. I, on the other hand, chose to gripe and complain about how awful things were.
In the Waiting...
I became even more desperate. People gave us money and gift cards, and instead of being thankful, I was totally embarrassed. Instead of recognizing this as God's way of fulfilling His promise to always provide for our needs, I was angry with Him for allowing us to go through such a circumstance. Are you tired of my whining yet? I bet God was. In fact I know He was because we sent out over 300 resumes and received no other phone calls. Week after week I sent resumes to the "perfect" job, just knowing that we were going to get that phone call. But all we got was silence. I couldn't understand it. I was desperate.
Desperate for financial comfort. Our needs were being met so I wasn't desperate for food and clothing and shelter. I was desperate for the comfort of knowing I could go out and shop whenever I wanted. I was desperate for status-the status of saying "my husband works here". I was desperate for more. More than what I had, for what I thought I deserved. I was entitled, after all. Look how hard I worked. Desperate for recognition and the ability to "keep up with the Jones'" Where was my Lexus???
Yeah, you could say I was desperate for the wrong things.
Well, I finally got so desperate for the wrong things that I decided to talk to God (tada! what a novel idea!). Now that was one hard conversation, and I wasn't the one doing the talking. I felt like God was saying to me, "FINALLY!!! I have been here the whole time. Where have you been?" You see, the whole time I was whining to God and asking Him where He was. He was right there telling me to WAIT. Well, I don't like to wait. Just ask my kids. But yet there it was, WAIT. God should we sell our house? WAIT. God, should we move away? WAIT. God should I go back to work? WAIT. The really tough one, when we finally did get that call-God, should we move to Florida? WAIT. But I don't wanna (can you hear it, WAH WAH WAH)! WAIT!
"Be still and know that I am God." Many people know that part of the verse, but not the second half. "I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Wow! That is worth waiting for. Well, can you guess how long it took for me to learn to WAIT? Wait is basically the same thing as saying no right? I mean, God sure wasn't doing things the way I wanted them done (thank you Lord). One year. One year, my family suffered because of my stubbornness. One year, my husband had a wife who was dissatisfied with his job (by the way, for those of you who don't know, in man speak, that means I am dissatisfied with you). One year, I wallowed in self-pity and desperation. Oh God, how stupid I was! Please forgive me Lord.
But I am here, we are here, to tell you that God is exalted. He is STILL on the throne. He STILL reigns. He did a new work in my heart and in our lives. Oh it hurt. And I can honestly say I never want to have to go through it again. He broke me and humbled me and I am still broken and humbled. And you know what? That means I am right where He wants me. I hope I never move from there. Almost a year to the day after Rick lost his job the phone started ringing again. And it rang and rang and rang. Within the span of a week he had multiple phone interviews, multiple companies calling to set up personal interviews and several job offers.
Well, we're still here. Having waited. We still have our house. My kids still have their mom. All the horrendous things I was sure were going to happen have not happened. Rick has a great job with great benefits which allow him to be home more often. He still works two jobs and weekends and makes less than he once did. And yes we would prefer it otherwise. But we are waiting. And we are thanking God every day for how He provides. He is exalted among the nations and He is exalted in our home. Right now we have less than $10 in our bank account. But tonight for dinner we had salmon and rice and baked potatoes. And plenty left over. We are certainly not desperate to have our needs met. No, instead, we are desperate for Him. We are desperate for His presence in our home and in our relationships. We are desperate to be used by Him. And in the meantime, we are content to be desperate and we are content to wait. There is no place else we would rather be.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27.14
