ONE

I have to admit, I am having a very hard time knowing where to begin on this post. It is hard for me to really even write. But yesterday marked an important milestone in the life of our family, so I feel I must celebrate it here.

Ethan opens his birthday present...with a little help.

One year ago yesterday, at 9:24 am, Ethan Richard Epsteen came into this world. And the world was never the same.

Ethan on the horse at Texas Roadhouse. Yes, we are THOSE parents. Don't worry,
he was only on there long enough for the picture. Priceless, don't ya think?

I don't know what it is about this first birthday. I don't know if it's the journey we traveled to have our miracle baby, the fact that we could have lost him again at five weeks old when he was VERY sick, the fact that he may very well be our last baby, or if it is just that mother/son bond we share, but this first birthday has been a hard one for me.

Ethan and his "fake" birthday cake. See the one candle lit-you can actually blow them out. So cool.

Sure, I want to and DO celebrate our sweet Ethan. I am so proud of him and what a sweet baby he is. In his short little life he has totally and completely captivated my heart. I can't imagine loving him more than I do. And yet with each new day I find I love him more than the one before. We are SO blessed to have him as part of our family.

Now, that's more like it.

I just see time moving by so quickly and I already feel like I miss it. It really does seem like it was just yesterday that I saw him for the first time, heard his first cry, felt his little fingers wrap instinctively around my own, and held and touched him. It is so hard to believe that a year has passed, that he will be a full-fledged walker any day now, that before I know it he will be talking a mile a minute, potty-training, riding a bike, learning to read, tying his shoes, playing soccer, wrestling with his brothers, driving a car, leaving home, getting married. It seems like a dream, an impossible dream. Sometimes I just sit and marvel at what a wonder he is.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Lately, thanks to my pastor and his incredibly convicting and inspiring sermons, I have been trying to work on a bad habit I have of complaining, of being discontented with where I am in life. Not that I'm not happy-just that I expect perfection and get frustrated when I don't receive it...RIGHT NOW! God has been working on my heart a bit and convicting me about that age-old "why me?" question. I have been trying to replace that whiny "why me?" with the same question asked a different way.

Mmmmm...cake.

I haven't stopped asking God, "why me?" I just am trying to choose to change the tone of that question. Instead of focusing on all the things that aren't perfect in myself or my life and my circumstances, I am trying to be more consistent about praising God and being thankful for how far I've come. For who He is and what He's done and does. For redemption and grace and beauty and love.



I always wondered what I would look like with blue hair.

So here are some "why me" questions I asked God yesterday. Why me, God? Why did you choose me to be this child's mother? What was there in me that You thought I would be the right mother for this sweet, sweet boy? Why me? Why choose me to get to be the one, the ONLY one, to be called "Mommy" of this baby? Why me? You could have given him to anyone. Why do I get to be the one to watch him grow, to love him and be loved by him? Why me God? I know it certainly isn't anything I've done. I know without a doubt I am completely undeserving. Why me? Why are you so good to me?

And, now we know.

The things that our family has journeyed through in the past year are just unbelievable at times. I feel like I need to be pinched to see if it's all a dream. Then I hear that familiar cry in the middle of the night and I know it's not. And instead of asking "why me?" (wah, wah, wah), I ask "why me, God?" and in hushed whispers I pray prayers of thanksgiving and praise to my God. For ONE. Lord, I thank you for THIS one. Even if it's my last ONE. It is still ONE. And I will celebrate.



All right people, I've had enough! Quit taking my picture and get this stuff off of me!

Ah, much better. Sweet birthday boy!